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The Battle of Cute Things Final Fantasy Makes You Kill




I have a Cute Graveyard behind my house littered with green bodies.

My personal preference on this one is pretty obvious, thanks to my avatar and fancy new icon for this column itself. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a close battle. In terms of cuteness, Cactuar is ahead by a needle. His constant state of running, even while motionless; perpetual shock / fear / intrigue plastered to his cactus face; and sunburst super attack when summoned as a GF are all just too cute to bear. Tonberry in and of himself is not especially cute—it’s in dressing up that he gains some adorable points. His burlap sack monk robe, tiny lantern for clear viewing of the kill in the dark places he frequents, and surprisingly sharp yet toy-like kitchen knife create a face-pinchingly sweet ensemble. His summon attack—DOINK!—is also precious to the extreme.

Placed in an actual battle against each other, it would be a complete draw. Tonberry moves too slowly across the field to catch the always-running-even-when-not-actually-running Cactuar. And any normal Cactuar (sans mustache and Gigantism) would rather not fight, given the chance. I’d much rather imagine them in friendly cahoots, Tonberry sharpening his knife on Cactuar’s needles, Cactuar wearing Tonberry’s robe when it’s chilly, telling ghost stories around a campfire and eating roasted chocobo meat.

Cactuar, for the very close win.